Thin Line

Dear Andie,



I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away and who I see every now and then, email on occasion and sometimes talk to on the phone. We met through a mutual friend, I'll call him "Dudley," who would get us all together once a week for fun. This friend, I'll call her "Rachel," is witty and pleasant and I enjoyed talking to her during these weekly get-togethers. After Dudley moved away, the weekly meetings dissolved and Rachel soon moved, with her fiancé, to where she lives now. Dudley gave her my email address and she sent me some very complimentary messages and wondered why I didn't have a girlfriend. Eventually she started sending me emails that made me uncomfortable because not only does she have a fiancé, but I'm not at all attracted to her. I told her that I felt it rather inappropriate and she apologized. After that, we would only exchange emails periodically and because I was already uncomfortable about the situation, I wouldn't respond promptly (Sometimes a week or so later.) By my estimation, she's not a very close friend, but I don't think she sees it that way. She'll occasionally call to talk about her wedding planning (once after crying it seemed) or to see if I want to get together while she's in town. I have met with her a couple of times, mostly because I see her as a rather lonely person who doesn't have anyone else with whom she can talk to aside from her husband-to-be and some friends who live thousands of miles away. But each time we're together I'm struck by how needy she is and taken aback by how much she treats me like I'm a boyfriend who should be bending over backwards to do things with her. It really creeps me out because I can't help but feel that she really wants me to be her boyfriend given what she'd said in her emails. But, once again, I feel bad because I know she's lonely and needs friends. How can I let her know that I prefer to keep her at arm's distance? I already feel like enough of a dick for barely returning her emails and sending her calls straight to voicemail.

Signed,



Not That Guy





Dear Not that Guy,


It sounds as if you are dealing with two separate problems here. The first being that you feel
maneuvered into having a relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable (about the other person's demands) and yet you feel guilty about dissolving it. Friendship should be a two way street and it sounds as if Rachel is only driving in one direction. She is currently using you for emotional support but also has been unable to move past a sense of attraction. A good question to ask is: When you see her in person, does she also act inappropriately? Since you mention she treats you as a boyfriend, I would guess that there are uncomfortable moments.

You have two choices. You can evaluate the friendship and see if it is worth it to you (do you obtain any positive feedback? Are there things about it that you would miss?) and if the answers are yes, you should sit her down and have a forth wright conversation, letting her know that she sometimes makes you uncomfortable and in what ways and that you just want to be friends.

The other option, and one that sounds more likely, is that you have grown increasingly disillusioned with her version of friendship and would like end it. The purpose of a conversation with a friend is to solve problems but if you see these problems as unsolvable, or you don't see a solution you would be pleased with, perhaps the best thing to do is slowly let the friendship dissolve. An unreturned phone call can stretch much longer than a week, especially when there is no nice way to say I don't want to be friends with you. If she really does want to be friends then maybe she will make a big effort and therefore be more open to change if that is what you request.

Best of Luck,

Andie East