This is not my beautiful wife

Dr. Andie,

I don't know how to start. I woke this morning not wanting to be married or even involved with the stranger of 9 years sleeping next to me. But the more disturbing issue to me is that I'm not saddened by this thought. You would figure that, at the very least, I would wave a fist to the sky and ask why I wasted the last 10 years with a woman that I don't even like anymore.


I felt the twinge of apathy towards my wife last night at a small happy-hour get together. She had had a bad day and was obviously bored. I completely understand how she must have felt. What upset me, though, was the squirming, hand on chin, rolling of the eyes, basically the whole attitude. I felt like I was with a 4-year old. I wanted to say, "Grow up". Instead, after we left, I held her in my arms and asked if she was okay. She explained that she was tired and bored and just wanted to get out of there. She looked and felt like a stranger to me. It felt like we had split-up a month ago and I was seeing her in a completely different way.


Surely the fault is all mine. However, a very close friend recently confided in me that the first year of marriage was the most difficult. He and his wife had been with each other for 6 years before they became husband and wife and their pre-marriage relationship was especially sweet. Yes, the occasional tiff would disturb the loving times but these were nothing like the arguments that they experienced as a married couple during that first year. Get past the first year and the rest is gravy, this friend told me. At the time, I didn't believe him. Now, however, I'm wondering if I even care if I care about making it another three months to our one-year wedding anniversary.


Happily Apathetic





Dear Happily,



Marriage is a long road and there will be many times when this road is in need of repair. It sounds as if at the moment this road may not be in the best of shape but the journey has grown so smooth you have gotten tired of traveling. Maybe you spend too much time with your wife and perhaps are more socially inclined than her. A night out on your own might help you to appreciate her more restrained sensibility. It is good to spend time with your partner but oftentimes it is the company of friends that can feed our souls more fully, so that we are finally able to appreciate the joys of domestic bliss.

Keep to the Beaten Path!



Andie East

Relaxation without Communication

Dear Mrs. Knowsalot,

I am having trouble with "Maxwell". He and I have been together for about 18 months now, and we are taking a break because we have been going through a rough patch. We have both been very emotionally drained because of everything that is going on. "Maxwell" thinks that this time apart should be spent individually processing and working on things, but I need this time apart to just be a complete break! I don't want to think about anything during this time. I just want to relax and take a deep breath and spend sometime enjoying being alone. Then I feel like I will have more energy to devote to him after we start up again. My question: how can I make him better understand my need for this? I am afraid that when our break is up and we get back together, it will have all turned into some kind of test as to whether or not I did any processing! Help me Andie Knowsalot!

Sincerely,

Lacking Wisdom


Dear Lacking,

I can only infer that the time spent during a break up is supposed to be used to decide whether to continue the relationship or not. Everyone has different ways of processing. Just because you see time spent relaxing as not thinking about the situation at all, does not mean that you are not processing in some way. It may be after a few weeks of relaxing you will be able to gather your thoughts and come to a conclusion. Oftentimes during moments of quiet or rest we will find answers rising to the surface.

A friend once described an exercise to me that might work for you. Do a relaxing activity, such as taking a bath, or having a cup of a tea and a sit. While relaxing, let your thoughts drift above your head, your feelings or anxiety's and just watch them without reacting with them. This is a good way to realize your situation without confronting it.

When you reconnect with Maxwell, perhaps you will be able to better communicate how you are feeling about the relationship. This time that you spend relaxing is not only to let the relationship recede from your mind, but also to let yourself heal and therefore find the answers you seek.

Best of luck,

Andie

The Ex that wouldn't let go

Dear Andie,

After several long, dark, cold months of healing from a tragic break-up, I am once again feeling happy and free! My life is going splendidly, and I am genuinely pleased with my single-dom. The problem is, my ex wants to be friends.


In theory, I like the idea that because we were so intimately connected in so many ways for so long, we should be able to maintain at least a friendship. But in practice, I really don't enjoy my ex's company all that much. I still find myself feeling bitter when we talk or hang out, and sometimes I'll even say passive aggressive things to hurt him. (Sometimes I'm not so passive.) Yet, he continues to ask for a friendship with me.

Do I cut him out of my life completely, or is there some middle-ground that can be achieved?

Aggressively Passive "Friend"


Dear Aggressively Passive,

It sounds as if you are still hurting from the break up and may need more time to heal. The less interaction you have with your ex, the more you will be able to sort things out in your own heart. That said, if you do want to maintain a friendship, you have to realize it may take a lot of time. Usually it takes half the amount of time of the total relationship to get to a point where you are able to have a healthy friendship.

The best thing to do is figure out your boundaries and stick to them. If this is dinner once a month, so be it, if this is a phone call every week than that's fine too. Just try to be as aware as possible and not enmesh yourself in a situation where you are being passive aggressive and hurtful. When you find yourself in this situation the best thing to do is to say: "I'm having some problems communicating right now and I think I need time off. Let's talk later." This should help you to restrain yourself and rethink your strategy.

Sincerely,
Andie East

Unneeded Motherly Advice

Dear Andie,

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together after 4 years of dating, and my mother is reacting badly to it. She's religious and conservative, and doesn't approve of me living with someone (in the romantic way) unless I'm married to them. My sister had a similar
experience, and though my parents grew to tolerate and even like my brother-in-law (they later did get married), my mom obviously hasn't changed her opinion on the moral impropriety of "living in sin". She's actively expressed her disapproval and said some pretty outrageous
things that upset both my boyfriend and I. She used to think my bf was a nice guy, but now she's decided that he's to blame for what she sees as the corruption of her child. It's very difficult to have a conversation with her about this because she's so set on her opinions.
I know there's nothing I can do to gain her approval or change her mind, but is there anything I can do to help make peace in our relationship? She's starting to drive me crazy.

- Extramarital Sex in the City

Dear Extramarital Sex,

I would advise a meeting with your mother, perhaps a special visit of some sort where you can sit her down and discuss. I think the best thing is to let her know that you understand her situation but you are an adult and will make your own decisions. Case closed. Best thing to do would be to agree to not talk about it in the future. It sounds as if your mother does not want to let go and realize that you are an adult will make your own decisions in life. If she cannot deal with this or insists on saying hurtful things to you, you may have to limit your contact with her. This is really her problem and not yours.

Another option would be to consult with your sister for advice as she may have insight on ways to compromise with your Mother.

Sincerely,

Andie East

Dear Andie,

I have a dear friend about whom I am very worried. He's smart, creative, and bitingly funny...but Andie, my friend is 30 and has lived with his family for almost his entire adult life. He's significantly overweight and a heavy smoker, his parents still treat him like he's a teenager, and he's a virgin.I'm afraid he might be trapped in his teenage years, and I don't have any idea how to get him the help he needs. I know that people develop at different rates - should I just leave him alone to do his thing? If not, how can I assist him?



Worried in Winnipeg

Dear Worried,

If you want your friend to branch out I would suggest a hobby or sports team that you might join with him. A social activity you can do together will be good for his social skills and also offer a nonthreatening way to meet women. There are many activities such as bowling teams, golf teams, softball teams, bocce ball and bike riding groups which are low stress activities where he could meet people and exercise to improve his physique.

Other than that I think you've hit the nail on the head with your comment, "I know that people develop at different rates". Most likely your friend is taking his time to adjust to the mantle of adulthood. Do the best you can to get him out among people in his age group and eventually he'll find something that inspires him to break the parental bonds.

Best of luck,

Andie East

The Things that Make you go Mmmm

Hi Andie Ann,


My man needs a little help in the romance department. I'm not talking dinner and roses, I'm talking about sweet talk. Not creepy talk, or babytalk or pillow talk, but romance talk. The little things a guy can say to make his lady feel pretty and sexy. I've asked him to talk to me a little more romantically, but he's a fan of yours and I think coming from you it might stick.


Thanks,

Romancing the Word

Dear Romancing,

The question is, where does the romance language come from. I find that often times the day to day grind of work, chores and family eventually squelches the desire to speak of a woman's charms or acknowledge her virtues in a sweet and caring way. I say, get out and about. A different place and a different time might rekindle the feelings that precipitate the words. And I'm not talking about dinner or roses or any of that nonsense. I'm talking about pub quizzes or a nice walk on the beach. Something you can share together. Quality time for you and your man might kick start that loverly language.

Best
Andie East

Thin Line

Dear Andie,



I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away and who I see every now and then, email on occasion and sometimes talk to on the phone. We met through a mutual friend, I'll call him "Dudley," who would get us all together once a week for fun. This friend, I'll call her "Rachel," is witty and pleasant and I enjoyed talking to her during these weekly get-togethers. After Dudley moved away, the weekly meetings dissolved and Rachel soon moved, with her fiancé, to where she lives now. Dudley gave her my email address and she sent me some very complimentary messages and wondered why I didn't have a girlfriend. Eventually she started sending me emails that made me uncomfortable because not only does she have a fiancé, but I'm not at all attracted to her. I told her that I felt it rather inappropriate and she apologized. After that, we would only exchange emails periodically and because I was already uncomfortable about the situation, I wouldn't respond promptly (Sometimes a week or so later.) By my estimation, she's not a very close friend, but I don't think she sees it that way. She'll occasionally call to talk about her wedding planning (once after crying it seemed) or to see if I want to get together while she's in town. I have met with her a couple of times, mostly because I see her as a rather lonely person who doesn't have anyone else with whom she can talk to aside from her husband-to-be and some friends who live thousands of miles away. But each time we're together I'm struck by how needy she is and taken aback by how much she treats me like I'm a boyfriend who should be bending over backwards to do things with her. It really creeps me out because I can't help but feel that she really wants me to be her boyfriend given what she'd said in her emails. But, once again, I feel bad because I know she's lonely and needs friends. How can I let her know that I prefer to keep her at arm's distance? I already feel like enough of a dick for barely returning her emails and sending her calls straight to voicemail.

Signed,



Not That Guy





Dear Not that Guy,


It sounds as if you are dealing with two separate problems here. The first being that you feel
maneuvered into having a relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable (about the other person's demands) and yet you feel guilty about dissolving it. Friendship should be a two way street and it sounds as if Rachel is only driving in one direction. She is currently using you for emotional support but also has been unable to move past a sense of attraction. A good question to ask is: When you see her in person, does she also act inappropriately? Since you mention she treats you as a boyfriend, I would guess that there are uncomfortable moments.

You have two choices. You can evaluate the friendship and see if it is worth it to you (do you obtain any positive feedback? Are there things about it that you would miss?) and if the answers are yes, you should sit her down and have a forth wright conversation, letting her know that she sometimes makes you uncomfortable and in what ways and that you just want to be friends.

The other option, and one that sounds more likely, is that you have grown increasingly disillusioned with her version of friendship and would like end it. The purpose of a conversation with a friend is to solve problems but if you see these problems as unsolvable, or you don't see a solution you would be pleased with, perhaps the best thing to do is slowly let the friendship dissolve. An unreturned phone call can stretch much longer than a week, especially when there is no nice way to say I don't want to be friends with you. If she really does want to be friends then maybe she will make a big effort and therefore be more open to change if that is what you request.

Best of Luck,

Andie East

Sick and Tired

Hi Andie,



Long time reader, first time writer.



I have a chronic illness, and I haven't found a satisfactory way to convey that information to my family so that it...sticks. They understand, in theory, that I don't always feel so hot, but they're always asking me to do things that are outside of my range of capability, and then giving me a hard time when I don't/can't. If I take a soft line, I get pressured into doing things that I don't wanna do - and that aren't so great for me. If I take a hard line, they send flowers and "Get Well!" cards...and talk about me in hushed, worried tones. Where's the middle ground?


Truly Yours,
Sick and Tired


Dear Sick and Tired,

It sounds like they do not fully understand the impact your illness has on your social and personal life. Might there be a useful book or movie that would help them to relate to your particular limitations? Another option might be a simple sit down dinner where your illness is the topic and you discuss your limitations and create a safe space for them to ask questions and consult with you as to what is okay, and what is beyond your capabilities.

If you have already taken these steps and they still do not understand, it might just be up to you to draw boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Although you may have more of the uncomfortable situations you detailed in your question, over time your family will get the message. And by time, it may mean six months or it may mean two years. But they will get the message to the extent that the two extremes you detail will desist.

Take Care,
Andie

Escape from Love Mountain

Dear Andie,

I just came out of a very passionate relationship. I am now having a lot of trouble concentrating at work. I just obsess about this person every minute. I have a job that requires a lot of concentration and where it is easy to get distracted. I'm aware that time will heal the pain of breaking-up. I'm OK with feeling sad at night. But I really need to get some work done during the day. I just can't: I stare at the wall, check email, look up definitions on Wikipedia, anything but work! Do you have any suggestions to increase my concentration level? I've tried everything! I see my friends almost every evening, I even take prozac. Nothing seems to help. Maybe you???

-Pathetically obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

It sounds like you are attempting your best to find a healthy place after an unfortunate romance. Oftentimes it is hard to concentrate when our hearts wander. I find that sometimes a quick fifteen minute fast walk in the middle of the day and a nice cold glass of water energizes me and allows me to focus. I also recommend making lists. Take a larger project and break it into a list of small goals of fifteen minute increments that may make it easier to concentrate.

Best of luck,

Andie

Belated Griever

Dear Andie,

My cousin died three weeks ago. I still think about it every day. I bought a card for his parents to share my memories of him, but I've had a hard time thinking of what to say. My question is, has too much time gone by for me to send the card?

From, Belated Griever


Dear Belated,

It is difficult for everyone in a time of grief to express their emotions. Especially when one was particularly close to the deceased, whether in the past or the present. There is no wrong time to express your sympathy for the family, whether it be a week after or several months later. Emily Post advises a simple note offering your sympathy and letting the family know that they are in your thought.

Best,
Andie East