Dear Andie,
After several long, dark, cold months of healing from a tragic break-up, I am once again feeling happy and free! My life is going splendidly, and I am genuinely pleased with my single-dom. The problem is, my ex wants to be friends.
In theory, I like the idea that because we were so intimately connected in so many ways for so long, we should be able to maintain at least a friendship. But in practice, I really don't enjoy my ex's company all that much. I still find myself feeling bitter when we talk or hang out, and sometimes I'll even say passive aggressive things to hurt him. (Sometimes I'm not so passive.) Yet, he continues to ask for a friendship with me.
Do I cut him out of my life completely, or is there some middle-ground that can be achieved?
Aggressively Passive "Friend"
Dear Aggressively Passive,
It sounds as if you are still hurting from the break up and may need more time to heal. The less interaction you have with your ex, the more you will be able to sort things out in your own heart. That said, if you do want to maintain a friendship, you have to realize it may take a lot of time. Usually it takes half the amount of time of the total relationship to get to a point where you are able to have a healthy friendship.
The best thing to do is figure out your boundaries and stick to them. If this is dinner once a month, so be it, if this is a phone call every week than that's fine too. Just try to be as aware as possible and not enmesh yourself in a situation where you are being passive aggressive and hurtful. When you find yourself in this situation the best thing to do is to say: "I'm having some problems communicating right now and I think I need time off. Let's talk later." This should help you to restrain yourself and rethink your strategy.
Sincerely,
Andie East
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