dear andie,
i recently (about 5 months ago) broke up with my partner of almost 3 years,
whom I had moved across the country with. I think that it is for the best, though it has been hard. since we broke up i have had various dating adventures, most of which ended up with me getting hurt--not so much because these new people were so callous or because anything too awful happened--mostly just the combination of my dreamy nature that makes me imagine settling down with everyone, and the fact that i haven't actually been ready for a relationship. it's kind of a weird combination. anyways, i met someone a few weeks ago and i feel pretty good about it, but i am afraid of falling back into that impossible trap. can you give me some tips for how to take things slow and steady, and maintain my independence while starting to like someone?
thank you!
Forever Falling
Dear Forever Falling,
There are no hard and fast rules for prevention of a broken heart. But it does sound like in some ways you may have put yourself out there too soon. A break-up can leave even the most cynical feeling vulnerable and raw and quickly you can find yourself opening up to the unexpected and feeling overwhelmed.
It sounds as if you have had some time to recover from your break-up. I would advise you to be honest with this new person in your life. Just stay in touch with what you are feeling and do things that are comfortable for you. If you do find yourself becoming overly enamored, take some time out to spend time with yourself. Don't lose yourself too quickly. Be careful to let them know what you are feeling and where are with things.
Also you might want to look at the string of minor heartbreaks you experiences as aftershocks from your relationship. Maybe it was another way of trying to get over the initial hurt. In the end, it may help more than it hurt.
Best of Luck,
Andie
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, June 15, 2007
This is not my beautiful wife
Dr. Andie,
I don't know how to start. I woke this morning not wanting to be married or even involved with the stranger of 9 years sleeping next to me. But the more disturbing issue to me is that I'm not saddened by this thought. You would figure that, at the very least, I would wave a fist to the sky and ask why I wasted the last 10 years with a woman that I don't even like anymore.
I felt the twinge of apathy towards my wife last night at a small happy-hour get together. She had had a bad day and was obviously bored. I completely understand how she must have felt. What upset me, though, was the squirming, hand on chin, rolling of the eyes, basically the whole attitude. I felt like I was with a 4-year old. I wanted to say, "Grow up". Instead, after we left, I held her in my arms and asked if she was okay. She explained that she was tired and bored and just wanted to get out of there. She looked and felt like a stranger to me. It felt like we had split-up a month ago and I was seeing her in a completely different way.
Surely the fault is all mine. However, a very close friend recently confided in me that the first year of marriage was the most difficult. He and his wife had been with each other for 6 years before they became husband and wife and their pre-marriage relationship was especially sweet. Yes, the occasional tiff would disturb the loving times but these were nothing like the arguments that they experienced as a married couple during that first year. Get past the first year and the rest is gravy, this friend told me. At the time, I didn't believe him. Now, however, I'm wondering if I even care if I care about making it another three months to our one-year wedding anniversary.
Happily Apathetic
Dear Happily,
Marriage is a long road and there will be many times when this road is in need of repair. It sounds as if at the moment this road may not be in the best of shape but the journey has grown so smooth you have gotten tired of traveling. Maybe you spend too much time with your wife and perhaps are more socially inclined than her. A night out on your own might help you to appreciate her more restrained sensibility. It is good to spend time with your partner but oftentimes it is the company of friends that can feed our souls more fully, so that we are finally able to appreciate the joys of domestic bliss.
Keep to the Beaten Path!
Andie East
I don't know how to start. I woke this morning not wanting to be married or even involved with the stranger of 9 years sleeping next to me. But the more disturbing issue to me is that I'm not saddened by this thought. You would figure that, at the very least, I would wave a fist to the sky and ask why I wasted the last 10 years with a woman that I don't even like anymore.
I felt the twinge of apathy towards my wife last night at a small happy-hour get together. She had had a bad day and was obviously bored. I completely understand how she must have felt. What upset me, though, was the squirming, hand on chin, rolling of the eyes, basically the whole attitude. I felt like I was with a 4-year old. I wanted to say, "Grow up". Instead, after we left, I held her in my arms and asked if she was okay. She explained that she was tired and bored and just wanted to get out of there. She looked and felt like a stranger to me. It felt like we had split-up a month ago and I was seeing her in a completely different way.
Surely the fault is all mine. However, a very close friend recently confided in me that the first year of marriage was the most difficult. He and his wife had been with each other for 6 years before they became husband and wife and their pre-marriage relationship was especially sweet. Yes, the occasional tiff would disturb the loving times but these were nothing like the arguments that they experienced as a married couple during that first year. Get past the first year and the rest is gravy, this friend told me. At the time, I didn't believe him. Now, however, I'm wondering if I even care if I care about making it another three months to our one-year wedding anniversary.
Happily Apathetic
Dear Happily,
Marriage is a long road and there will be many times when this road is in need of repair. It sounds as if at the moment this road may not be in the best of shape but the journey has grown so smooth you have gotten tired of traveling. Maybe you spend too much time with your wife and perhaps are more socially inclined than her. A night out on your own might help you to appreciate her more restrained sensibility. It is good to spend time with your partner but oftentimes it is the company of friends that can feed our souls more fully, so that we are finally able to appreciate the joys of domestic bliss.
Keep to the Beaten Path!
Andie East
Relaxation without Communication
Dear Mrs. Knowsalot,
I am having trouble with "Maxwell". He and I have been together for about 18 months now, and we are taking a break because we have been going through a rough patch. We have both been very emotionally drained because of everything that is going on. "Maxwell" thinks that this time apart should be spent individually processing and working on things, but I need this time apart to just be a complete break! I don't want to think about anything during this time. I just want to relax and take a deep breath and spend sometime enjoying being alone. Then I feel like I will have more energy to devote to him after we start up again. My question: how can I make him better understand my need for this? I am afraid that when our break is up and we get back together, it will have all turned into some kind of test as to whether or not I did any processing! Help me Andie Knowsalot!
Sincerely,
Lacking Wisdom
Dear Lacking,
I can only infer that the time spent during a break up is supposed to be used to decide whether to continue the relationship or not. Everyone has different ways of processing. Just because you see time spent relaxing as not thinking about the situation at all, does not mean that you are not processing in some way. It may be after a few weeks of relaxing you will be able to gather your thoughts and come to a conclusion. Oftentimes during moments of quiet or rest we will find answers rising to the surface.
A friend once described an exercise to me that might work for you. Do a relaxing activity, such as taking a bath, or having a cup of a tea and a sit. While relaxing, let your thoughts drift above your head, your feelings or anxiety's and just watch them without reacting with them. This is a good way to realize your situation without confronting it.
When you reconnect with Maxwell, perhaps you will be able to better communicate how you are feeling about the relationship. This time that you spend relaxing is not only to let the relationship recede from your mind, but also to let yourself heal and therefore find the answers you seek.
Best of luck,
Andie
I am having trouble with "Maxwell". He and I have been together for about 18 months now, and we are taking a break because we have been going through a rough patch. We have both been very emotionally drained because of everything that is going on. "Maxwell" thinks that this time apart should be spent individually processing and working on things, but I need this time apart to just be a complete break! I don't want to think about anything during this time. I just want to relax and take a deep breath and spend sometime enjoying being alone. Then I feel like I will have more energy to devote to him after we start up again. My question: how can I make him better understand my need for this? I am afraid that when our break is up and we get back together, it will have all turned into some kind of test as to whether or not I did any processing! Help me Andie Knowsalot!
Sincerely,
Lacking Wisdom
Dear Lacking,
I can only infer that the time spent during a break up is supposed to be used to decide whether to continue the relationship or not. Everyone has different ways of processing. Just because you see time spent relaxing as not thinking about the situation at all, does not mean that you are not processing in some way. It may be after a few weeks of relaxing you will be able to gather your thoughts and come to a conclusion. Oftentimes during moments of quiet or rest we will find answers rising to the surface.
A friend once described an exercise to me that might work for you. Do a relaxing activity, such as taking a bath, or having a cup of a tea and a sit. While relaxing, let your thoughts drift above your head, your feelings or anxiety's and just watch them without reacting with them. This is a good way to realize your situation without confronting it.
When you reconnect with Maxwell, perhaps you will be able to better communicate how you are feeling about the relationship. This time that you spend relaxing is not only to let the relationship recede from your mind, but also to let yourself heal and therefore find the answers you seek.
Best of luck,
Andie
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The Ex that wouldn't let go
Dear Andie,
After several long, dark, cold months of healing from a tragic break-up, I am once again feeling happy and free! My life is going splendidly, and I am genuinely pleased with my single-dom. The problem is, my ex wants to be friends.
In theory, I like the idea that because we were so intimately connected in so many ways for so long, we should be able to maintain at least a friendship. But in practice, I really don't enjoy my ex's company all that much. I still find myself feeling bitter when we talk or hang out, and sometimes I'll even say passive aggressive things to hurt him. (Sometimes I'm not so passive.) Yet, he continues to ask for a friendship with me.
Do I cut him out of my life completely, or is there some middle-ground that can be achieved?
Aggressively Passive "Friend"
Dear Aggressively Passive,
It sounds as if you are still hurting from the break up and may need more time to heal. The less interaction you have with your ex, the more you will be able to sort things out in your own heart. That said, if you do want to maintain a friendship, you have to realize it may take a lot of time. Usually it takes half the amount of time of the total relationship to get to a point where you are able to have a healthy friendship.
The best thing to do is figure out your boundaries and stick to them. If this is dinner once a month, so be it, if this is a phone call every week than that's fine too. Just try to be as aware as possible and not enmesh yourself in a situation where you are being passive aggressive and hurtful. When you find yourself in this situation the best thing to do is to say: "I'm having some problems communicating right now and I think I need time off. Let's talk later." This should help you to restrain yourself and rethink your strategy.
Sincerely,
Andie East
After several long, dark, cold months of healing from a tragic break-up, I am once again feeling happy and free! My life is going splendidly, and I am genuinely pleased with my single-dom. The problem is, my ex wants to be friends.
In theory, I like the idea that because we were so intimately connected in so many ways for so long, we should be able to maintain at least a friendship. But in practice, I really don't enjoy my ex's company all that much. I still find myself feeling bitter when we talk or hang out, and sometimes I'll even say passive aggressive things to hurt him. (Sometimes I'm not so passive.) Yet, he continues to ask for a friendship with me.
Do I cut him out of my life completely, or is there some middle-ground that can be achieved?
Aggressively Passive "Friend"
Dear Aggressively Passive,
It sounds as if you are still hurting from the break up and may need more time to heal. The less interaction you have with your ex, the more you will be able to sort things out in your own heart. That said, if you do want to maintain a friendship, you have to realize it may take a lot of time. Usually it takes half the amount of time of the total relationship to get to a point where you are able to have a healthy friendship.
The best thing to do is figure out your boundaries and stick to them. If this is dinner once a month, so be it, if this is a phone call every week than that's fine too. Just try to be as aware as possible and not enmesh yourself in a situation where you are being passive aggressive and hurtful. When you find yourself in this situation the best thing to do is to say: "I'm having some problems communicating right now and I think I need time off. Let's talk later." This should help you to restrain yourself and rethink your strategy.
Sincerely,
Andie East
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Unneeded Motherly Advice
Dear Andie,
My boyfriend and I recently moved in together after 4 years of dating, and my mother is reacting badly to it. She's religious and conservative, and doesn't approve of me living with someone (in the romantic way) unless I'm married to them. My sister had a similar
experience, and though my parents grew to tolerate and even like my brother-in-law (they later did get married), my mom obviously hasn't changed her opinion on the moral impropriety of "living in sin". She's actively expressed her disapproval and said some pretty outrageous
things that upset both my boyfriend and I. She used to think my bf was a nice guy, but now she's decided that he's to blame for what she sees as the corruption of her child. It's very difficult to have a conversation with her about this because she's so set on her opinions.
I know there's nothing I can do to gain her approval or change her mind, but is there anything I can do to help make peace in our relationship? She's starting to drive me crazy.
- Extramarital Sex in the City
My boyfriend and I recently moved in together after 4 years of dating, and my mother is reacting badly to it. She's religious and conservative, and doesn't approve of me living with someone (in the romantic way) unless I'm married to them. My sister had a similar
experience, and though my parents grew to tolerate and even like my brother-in-law (they later did get married), my mom obviously hasn't changed her opinion on the moral impropriety of "living in sin". She's actively expressed her disapproval and said some pretty outrageous
things that upset both my boyfriend and I. She used to think my bf was a nice guy, but now she's decided that he's to blame for what she sees as the corruption of her child. It's very difficult to have a conversation with her about this because she's so set on her opinions.
I know there's nothing I can do to gain her approval or change her mind, but is there anything I can do to help make peace in our relationship? She's starting to drive me crazy.
- Extramarital Sex in the City
Dear Extramarital Sex,
I would advise a meeting with your mother, perhaps a special visit of some sort where you can sit her down and discuss. I think the best thing is to let her know that you understand her situation but you are an adult and will make your own decisions. Case closed. Best thing to do would be to agree to not talk about it in the future. It sounds as if your mother does not want to let go and realize that you are an adult will make your own decisions in life. If she cannot deal with this or insists on saying hurtful things to you, you may have to limit your contact with her. This is really her problem and not yours.
Another option would be to consult with your sister for advice as she may have insight on ways to compromise with your Mother.
Sincerely,
Andie East
Sincerely,
Andie East
Monday, June 11, 2007
Dear Andie,
I have a dear friend about whom I am very worried. He's smart, creative, and bitingly funny...but Andie, my friend is 30 and has lived with his family for almost his entire adult life. He's significantly overweight and a heavy smoker, his parents still treat him like he's a teenager, and he's a virgin.I'm afraid he might be trapped in his teenage years, and I don't have any idea how to get him the help he needs. I know that people develop at different rates - should I just leave him alone to do his thing? If not, how can I assist him?
Worried in Winnipeg
Dear Worried,
If you want your friend to branch out I would suggest a hobby or sports team that you might join with him. A social activity you can do together will be good for his social skills and also offer a nonthreatening way to meet women. There are many activities such as bowling teams, golf teams, softball teams, bocce ball and bike riding groups which are low stress activities where he could meet people and exercise to improve his physique.
Other than that I think you've hit the nail on the head with your comment, "I know that people develop at different rates". Most likely your friend is taking his time to adjust to the mantle of adulthood. Do the best you can to get him out among people in his age group and eventually he'll find something that inspires him to break the parental bonds.
Best of luck,
Andie East
I have a dear friend about whom I am very worried. He's smart, creative, and bitingly funny...but Andie, my friend is 30 and has lived with his family for almost his entire adult life. He's significantly overweight and a heavy smoker, his parents still treat him like he's a teenager, and he's a virgin.I'm afraid he might be trapped in his teenage years, and I don't have any idea how to get him the help he needs. I know that people develop at different rates - should I just leave him alone to do his thing? If not, how can I assist him?
Worried in Winnipeg
Dear Worried,
If you want your friend to branch out I would suggest a hobby or sports team that you might join with him. A social activity you can do together will be good for his social skills and also offer a nonthreatening way to meet women. There are many activities such as bowling teams, golf teams, softball teams, bocce ball and bike riding groups which are low stress activities where he could meet people and exercise to improve his physique.
Other than that I think you've hit the nail on the head with your comment, "I know that people develop at different rates". Most likely your friend is taking his time to adjust to the mantle of adulthood. Do the best you can to get him out among people in his age group and eventually he'll find something that inspires him to break the parental bonds.
Best of luck,
Andie East
Sunday, June 10, 2007
The Things that Make you go Mmmm
Hi Andie Ann,
My man needs a little help in the romance department. I'm not talking dinner and roses, I'm talking about sweet talk. Not creepy talk, or babytalk or pillow talk, but romance talk. The little things a guy can say to make his lady feel pretty and sexy. I've asked him to talk to me a little more romantically, but he's a fan of yours and I think coming from you it might stick.
Thanks,
Romancing the Word
Dear Romancing,
The question is, where does the romance language come from. I find that often times the day to day grind of work, chores and family eventually squelches the desire to speak of a woman's charms or acknowledge her virtues in a sweet and caring way. I say, get out and about. A different place and a different time might rekindle the feelings that precipitate the words. And I'm not talking about dinner or roses or any of that nonsense. I'm talking about pub quizzes or a nice walk on the beach. Something you can share together. Quality time for you and your man might kick start that loverly language.
Best
Andie East
My man needs a little help in the romance department. I'm not talking dinner and roses, I'm talking about sweet talk. Not creepy talk, or babytalk or pillow talk, but romance talk. The little things a guy can say to make his lady feel pretty and sexy. I've asked him to talk to me a little more romantically, but he's a fan of yours and I think coming from you it might stick.
Thanks,
Romancing the Word
Dear Romancing,
The question is, where does the romance language come from. I find that often times the day to day grind of work, chores and family eventually squelches the desire to speak of a woman's charms or acknowledge her virtues in a sweet and caring way. I say, get out and about. A different place and a different time might rekindle the feelings that precipitate the words. And I'm not talking about dinner or roses or any of that nonsense. I'm talking about pub quizzes or a nice walk on the beach. Something you can share together. Quality time for you and your man might kick start that loverly language.
Best
Andie East
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